Sponge bath it is.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
