My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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