Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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