Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
