if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Quick, to the slutcave!
false alarm. still invincible.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
