I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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