Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
