Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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