seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
vagina is talking i cant
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
