Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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