What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
