We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
