Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
