Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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