I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
