hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
