I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
