i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
