I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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