Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
