Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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