Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
