im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ruined the universe
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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