The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
