seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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