Sorry, I don't speak sober.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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