i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
