So drunk its hurt
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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