I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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