I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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