i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
