I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
