ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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