Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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