If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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