I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
