there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
