I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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