i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
