If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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