had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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