did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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