I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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