Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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