My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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