Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
