that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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