News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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