Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Success! We fucked roommates!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
