Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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