Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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