im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
